Hodgepodge

  HODGEPODGE

A mixture of interesting poetry, cartoons and stories relating to our era...

 The Definition of MID-LIFE for Women

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.  

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. 

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around... 

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.  

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.' 

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. 

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone carrying teenager and think,  'For this I have stretch marks?' 

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.  

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .  

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life?  Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our friends make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! 

CLASS OF 79 SCHOOL PROPHECIES

From Vickie Hullihen Phillips...

This is a clipping from either the Herald or the Daily undated about a poem that was found in Florida about the valley.  The clipping is yellowed so I've had it for some time. Don't know if you would be interested in putting it on the class website or not.  I won't be offended if you choose not to.

Thanks Vickie for sharing this with us!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG...

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

HOW TRUE IT IS

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far..
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darn old!!


 

Pizza Delivery Grandma

When my oldest son, Dan, was about 3 years old, he showed his grandfather a picture he had been drawing. His grandfather said, "Oh, show this to your grandmother; she'll get a kick out of it." Dan quickly hurried over to Grandma, who was seated on the other side of the family room. He pushed the paper into her hand and gave her a big kick in the leg. Everyone in the room stopped talking as Grandma yelled and then Grandpa started to laugh when he realized how Dan had interpreted his comment. Lesson learned: Watch what you say around the children!

Submitted by Monica Polk Thayer

And that's how the fight started... 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

======================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3

seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

======================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and

she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone

at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many

years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

======================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

========================================================================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST -

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the

truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived

home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away

with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was

gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the

driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A Poem for Computer Users over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

BEST PLACES TO RETIRE
Where to live after Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You 've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where.
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where..
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?' 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

The Perks of being Over 50

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.   But everything else starts to wear out ... fall out, or spread out! Here are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.       You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

13 Life Rules... Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.... 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape . 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her believe them. 8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' 9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 12. Work is good, but it's not that important. 13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING! LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT! SING LIKE NOBODY'S LISTENING! LIVE THE MOMENT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH!

OFFICIAL ADULT RESIGNATION

  CLASS REUNIONS  
Every five years, as summertime nears,

ADVANTAGES OF GROWING UP IN A SMALL TOWN

 
1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road.  On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to 'drag' or cruise Main Street. 

5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the Tastee Freeze.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older sibling's names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents..

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonalds. Okay, yes there was but it had just opened, remember?

28) The closest mall was an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed because you know it is true.

A MATTER OF LAUGH OR DEATH

Come to think of it, not much has changed in 30 years.

It’s hard to believe it has been 30 years since Graduation Day, 1979.  It’s hard to believe after this many years, we continue to say, “It’s hard to believe…”  What did we think, that we were immune to the passage of time?  That we would remain forever in our 20s? That we were the first genera­tion in history that would not wake up one day and discover we were now in our upper 40's, and our kids are older than we were when we graduated?

Yes, that’s exactly it.  We never thought we’d ever get old.  Or, at least, we never thought it would happen so darn quickly. There’s an old expres­sion: The more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, there’s another old expression: The more things change, the more they REALLY change.

Here is a list that demonstrates how much things indeed have changed during the past 30 years (Each couplet describes something we were doing back in 1979, followed by what we instead are doing now in 2009):

Sociology exam – Prostate exam.

Going to sleep at 4 a.m. – Waking up at 4 a.m.

Field parties – Tupperware parties.

Long hair – No hair.

Hot babes – Hot flashes.

Hours of enjoyment with a $4 Fris­bee – Hours of frustration with a $900 set of golf clubs.

Progressive politics – Progressive bifocals.

Getting high – Getting high blood pressure.

Beer kegs that flowed to the max – Bladders in desperate need of FLO­MAX.

Lying to our parents about what we did in college – Lying to our children about what we did in college.

Starting Saturday night at 10 p.m. – Concluding Saturday night at 10 p.m.

Poli Sci – PoliGrip.

Studying ancient history – Remem­bering ancient history. T

Thinking people in their 30s were old timers – Thinking people in their 30s are young pups.

Hundreds of vinyl albums stored in a heavy wooden crate – Hundreds of digital albums stored in a 2-ounce iPod.

Hoping we wouldn’t have to move back in with our parents – Hoping our kids won’t move back in with us.

Greek fraternities – Grecian formu­la.

Wishing our parents would leave us alone – Wishing our kids would call once in a while.

Bushy mustache – Bushy ear hair.

Deciding where to live – Deciding where to be buried.

Trying to discover the meaning of life – Trying to discover the meaning of death.

Focused on finding happiness – Re­alizing happiness comes when we stop focusing on it.

Now that the Class of ‘79 has ac­quired age and guile, we too under­stand that the experience gained during the past three decades far out­weighs youth, innocence, and especial­ly those hideous 1970s-style haircuts.

Which brings us to our final 1979-2009 couplet:

Thinking people in their 50s were ancient fossils – Knowing people in their 50s are just hitting their prime.

Well, at least that’s my story and I'm sticking to it!

Dawn

LOVE BIRDS OF CHS 1979:

Russell and Paula (Downey) Silveus -  

Wayne and Carolyn (Heishman) Miller - married June 7, 1981

David and Judy (Vann) Rhodes -

Kenny and Barbara (Polk) Fadeley -

Eric and Dawn Estep - married April 26, 2002

If I've left anyone off, please let me know.

Here are some cute little stories between Grandparents and their Grandchildren:

 Senior Moments...

 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.